Apr 11 2013
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Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus Elephant Victim of Drive-By

Millions across the nation are sighing in relief now that Carol, an elephant with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus who took a bullet in an apparent drive-by shooting on Tuesday in Tupelo, Mississippi, will make a full recovery.

Carol The Elephant: Victim?

Carol The Elephant: Victim?

According to USA Today, the elephant, one of several performing with the traveling circus, was in an enclosure outside the BancorpSouth Arena when it was hit by a bullet in the shoulder, said the arena’s marketing director, Kevan Kirkpatrick.

“We have had the circus once a year since 1995,” Kirkpatrick said. “Absolutely this is the first elephant shooting we had.”

Starvinghead  hopped a train down to Tupelo to investigate the shooting. We discovered that while this was the first elephant shooting of its kind, it was not entirely a surprise.

Carol the elephant has many enemies all over the country. You see, Carol is more than just a traveling pachyderm, making children smile and circus-goers ooh and ahh in delight. She is more than a 39-year old Asian elephant on the endangered species list.

Carol is a junkie.

“I been looking forward to that bitch coming back to Tupelo all year,” said Dwayne Hightower, a drug dealer who runs the Tupelo cocaine market. “Last two times the circus came to town, this elephant charged down the street towards my sellers on the corner and took all my product.”

Carol's Last Performance. Notice the paranoid look in the eyes and overall lack of focus.

Carol’s Last Performance. Notice the paranoid look in the eyes and overall lack of focus.

Starvinghead was aghast to learn that Carol the elephant has a hardcore coke habit.

“I’ve talked to dealers in other towns and they all get their shit ripped off when the circus is around,” says Hightower. “I decided enough was enough. I did it. I shot the elephant. I had to show my people that I take care of shit. If I let Carol come and snort all my coke, what does that say about me as a drug kingpin?”

Numerous reports are surfacing that Carol has a $1,000 a day habit.

“It’s that trunk,” says Hightower. “You can pack a lot of powder up in that nose.”

Highwater may have more to worry about than admitting he shot Carol.

A representative for the Ethical Treatment of Elephants issued a warning to Highwater and anyone else considering harming the  mammals.

“For those who tried to harm Carol and for those around the world who murder these precious creatures, let it be known that revenge will be handed out. Do not be surprised if the next time an elephant is in your room, it’s not just an obvious truth being ignored. Much like the Holocaust, we will never forget. And also, because these are elephants, you know, they have really great memories. You have been warned.”

As for Carol, she was up and eating carrots 20 minutes after the attempt on her life. But the hardest act for Carol is only beginning. Ringing Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus are suspending Carol’s circus duty so she can enter rehab immediately.

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Dec 03 2012
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Chicago Sets Record Against Violent Weekends

It seems with each passing Sunday that news of gunshots and dead bodies piling up in the streets has become as common as the Bears’ offensive line melting down in the Windy City.

This past October marked Chicago’s 435th homicide. The short-staffed police department is having a hell of a time solving the majority of murders that occur. In 2011, the clearance rate for murders was only 30 percent and that was from a grand total of 433 homicides. The final months of 2012 are sure to raise the bar when it comes to dead bodies on the streets of Chicago.

In a last-ditch attempt to avoid the national media’s glare on the city’s unbelievable murder rate, Mayor Emanuel and Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy have decided to unload a new strategy for handling the sharp rise in homicides.

The Dynamic DuoOn Monday mornings as approximately 2.7 million Chicago residents reach for their daily newspapers or log on local news sites, they will be greeted with a different approach in announcing the city’s murders over the previous weekend. No longer will we read headlines like “7 dead, 28 injured over the weekend “or “Chicago Murder Rate Rises with Bloodbath in the Streets Over the Long Holiday Weekend.”

Now when we look to find out how many bodies wound up In the city morgue on the nation’s two days of rest, we will see a more positive take on the violence that is claiming the city’s citizens:

2,707,112 Survive The Weekend! Chicagoans Alive in Large Numbers Despite Continuing Bloodshed!

The Sun-Times and the Chicago Tribune have agreed to handle the weekend murder rate in this fashion as they are still reporting the news and technically not lying.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Sandra Oxford, 44, of Wicker Park. “I got up this weekend, went grocery shopping, got an oil change and saw a movie. Pretty normal stuff, but in this city I feel proud of myself for being a survivor.”

“It’s a positive spin,” said Brendan Cunningham, 30, of Rogers Park. “I was afraid to go out late on the weekends with all the murders going on. But now that I see that so many folks are making it through to Monday, I feel much safer.”

Other headlines recently printed in the city’s two biggest newspapers include:

If So Many Chicagoans Are Being Killed, Then How Do You Explain The Traffic Jams? 

Whites Come Out All Right After Bloody Weekend on the City’s South Side

Hey Chicago! If You’re Reading This You’re Still Alive! Congrats on Behalf of Mayor Rahm Emanuel

Live Strong ChicagoThe mayor is encouraging Chicagoans to wear a blue wristband similar to the Live Strong Foundation’s yellow wristband as a way of announcing to the world that they are survivors thriving in the nation’s most dangerous city.

And as for news coverage of the victims from each weekend’s shootings, well, let’s be honest, you probably don’t care anyway.

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Jul 20 2012
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Truth

Holy Shit Batman! James Holmes Is A Punk Bitch

By now we all know of the deranged fuck, aka James Holmes, who walked into a screening of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado with a smoke bomb and firearms, killing 12 people and injuring 38 according to the latest press releases.

James Holmes: Starvinghead’s Punk Bitch Of The Year

Holmes, 24, was taken into custody by police outside the movie theater shortly after the havoc. He informed police that his apartment is laden with explosives. Police are currently trying to figure out exactly what kind of explosive devices Holmes has set up in his apartment.

Hollywood, along withe rest of the world, is in a state of shock as the eagerly anticipated movie of the year has been overshadowed by this senseless violence.

President Obama and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney have issued statements regarding this sad and violent situation. Paris has cancelled The Dark Knight Rises premier. New York has stepped up security where the film is playing.

Twelve innocent people have lost their lives because some mentally ill douchbag could not hold his shit together. Whatever the reasons for Mr. Holmes busting into that packed theater and shooting random people, Starvinghead has one question for the gunman:

Couldn’t you have gone into the theater playing the new Tyler Perry movie?

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Jul 18 2012
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Boy Scouts of America Decide To Keep It In The Closet, But In The Woods Anything Still Goes

Today the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its policy denying membership to gay people.

Boy Scouts Of America Refuse To Admit Gays As Well As Refusing To Admit Being Gay

“The vast majority of the parents of youth we serve value their right to address issues of same-sex orientation within their family, with spiritual advisers, and at the appropriate time and in the right setting,” said Bob Mazzuca, chief scout executive of Boy Scouts of America.

“While a majority of our membership agrees with our policy, we fully understand that no single policy will accommodate the many diverse views among our membership or society,” he said.

The news is not so shocking to a plethora of former and current boy scouts who view the decision as little more than political face-saving on the part of the Boy Scouts of America.

“They can uphold whatever rules they wish,” said Bob Deney, 59, of Mundelein. “Everybody knows the truth though. It’s been going on for generations and some silly rule won’t stop the real reason hordes of young men going the Boy Scouts in the first place: To learn how tie a knot while giving fellatio to an elder who will give them an honest critique of their skills.”

Perhaps Mr. Deney has a valid point. Let’s look at the facts. Thousands of young boys across the country have their mothers drop them off to be in the care of grown men who would rather do nothing else than hang out with adolescent males. That’s kind of weird. Futhermore, these boys and their elder leaders dress in color coordinated apparel. That’s a bit strange as well. And then they all go out into the woods for “outings”. Sounds like some of these kids are being “outed” indeed.

Ok. The whole thing sounds gay as fuck. Case closed.

“It is  like assholes from politics,” said Greg Osbourne,38, of Chicago. “You can say it’s a rule, but that doesn’t stop anyone from being one.”

So don’t worry all of you super heterosexual boy scouts. The circle jerk near the big oak tree in the woods will carry on as usual. And you can still tell your mothers and wives that those scraped knees stem from some hard times in the wilderness. You surely wouldn’t be lying.

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Jun 29 2012
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Truth

Jews and Muslims Join Forces in the Name of Foreskin

In the long and turbulent history between Muslims and Jews, a new avenue has been discovered that brings the two religions together:

Penis.

Nothing Brings Together People Like An Old Fashioned Cock Controversy

The recent controversy over circumcision in Germany has bridged a line of communication and agreement between Jews and Muslims. The unlikely partners came to be due to a decision by a German court that could outlaw circumcision, prohibiting parents from having their kids circumcised, even for religious reasons.

“The body of the child is irreparably and permanently changed by a circumcision,” the court said. “This change contravenes the interests of the child to decide later on his religious beliefs.”

So nobody in Germany is touching cock. Let the child decide what he or she wants to believe in is the road they are going down. This is all fine and good. However, Starvinghead can’t see too many self-aware adolescents deciding that getting their tips clipped at 14 or 19 or 45 is a great idea. Perhaps this a way for Germany to outlaw  religion by treating children as independent of their environment. A classic case of encouraging becoming instead of being. Satre’s existence preceding essence indeed. Maybe Germany is on to something.

Although the last time Germany was on to something it didn’t turn out so hot for a lot of folks.

The court deemed circumcision an act of “bodily harm” to children, according to German media reports. And who knows better about bodily harm than the Germans?

Jews and Muslims agreeing on something? There is certainly a frigid draft drifting through Hell tonight. That end of the world talk just got a shot of validity.

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Jun 18 2012
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Rodney King Dead At 47, Billy Clubs Across The Country Mourn

Rodney King is dead at 47. The video images of King getting beat by Los Angeles police officers in 1991 is still etched into the collective psyche of the nation.The videotaped beating had the country glued to their televisions as an onslaught of batons paraded down on King. When the officers involved in the beating were found not guilty, riots erupted in Los Angeles bringing racial tensions to a boil.

Rodney King: Off To The Big House In The Sky

King was found by officers at the bottom of his swimming pool around 5:25 a.m. this morning. There was no evidence of foul play.

“Rodney King was a symbol of civil rights and he represented the anti-police brutality and anti-racial profiling movement of our time,” the Rev. Al Sharpton said in a statement reported on CNN. “It was his beating that made America focus on the presence of profiling and police misconduct.”

However, police did confiscate marijuana plants on the property. When asked if the plants where King’s, the 47-year old dead man did not respond. This prompted police to insist that King was resisting arrest and they proceeded to beat him from head to toe while demanding that the dead body “stop resisting.”

We will miss you Rodney. In honor of King’s passing, stores throughout the country are selling Rodney King pinatas stuffed with chicken and waffles as well as the business cards for local ACLU offices.

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Jun 14 2012
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Whites Even Have It Better While Sleeping According To Northwestern Study

A new study conducted by researchers at Northwestern found that whites sleep significantly longer and better than other races. The study monitored the sleeping habits of roughly 500 randomly selected adults in Chicago for seven days.

The findings:

  • Whites sleep an average of 7.4 hours every day.
  • Hispanics and Asians slept 6.9 hours a day.
  • Blacks slept 6.8 hours a day.

“We have found that black adults have the worst quality of sleep and Asians experience the highest amounts of daytime sleepiness of the four races,” said Mercedes Carnethon, an associate professor at Northwestern.

This surely explains why Asians cannot drive safely during the day and is proof that, unlike Martin Luther King Jr., blacks no longer have a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

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Jun 09 2012
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Rudy Eugene, Wayne Carter and Otty Sanchez Welcome America To The Land Of The Living Dead

Zombies and cannibals, those fascinating fixtures of horror movies, are now amongst us America! No longer do we need to watch repeats of the Walking Dead, 28 Days Later and Silence of the Lambs to fill our imaginations with brain and flesh-eating killers. Since Starvinghead’s last post on the infamous Miami zombie/cannibalism attack, more have sprout up across the country.

In Texas, a mother, Otty Sanchez, is accused of killing her newborn, eating the juicy part of the kid’s brains and biting off three of the infants toes. In Maryland, a college student told police he killed a man then ate his heart and brains.

Starvinghead indeed!

Now the apparently contagious cannibalistic eating habits taking the country by storm have spread to New Jersey, long believed to be a hub of zombie activity (this is the site of the Jersey Shore TV series after all and a state where brain cells are as rare as fair skin folks).

Wayne Carter Really Fell To Pieces

Wayne Carter, 43, of Hackensack, New Jersey barricaded himself in his home and threatened to harm himself. When police arrived and kicked open the door, Carter proceeded to stab himself with a knife in the abdomen, neck and legs. Police pepper sprayed Carter, but it only enraged the man. Carter threw chunks of his intestines at police before finally being subdued. He now is in critical condition at an area hospital where he can only mutter the words “brains” in between long bouts of unconsciousness.

So what does all this mean? Are we really in the midst of a zombie apocalypse?

“There is no doubt that something fowl is happening throughout the country,” said Dr. Kevin Monroe of the University of Chicago. “The incidents keep piling up and there is only one positive that we can see happening from this trend.”

Starvinghead took the words right out of Dr. Monroe’s mouth before he oculd say them.

Slavery.

Yes, that time honored tradition of human civilization now has a great opportunity to make a comeback. Do you long for the days when you could rest in the shade while slaves worked themselves to death? Those glory days could be making a comeback!

Face-Eating Rudy Eugene Was Heavily Into Religion

All we need to do is wire the jaws of these cannibals and zombies shut and we will have ourselves a brand new work force ready to take on the jobs that most American refuse to do despite the struggling economy.

“I was going to have to work as a busboy,” said Felix Strogue of New York City. “Thanks to my wife becoming a zombie, she works 24 hours a days and I sit back and collect the check. Sure, my wife did eat our two kids, but now my schedule has opened up big time.”

At first, the zombie attacks were blamed on folks using intoxicating bath salts. However,  Rudy Eugene, the Miami face-eater shot dead by police, may not have been on drugs. His girlfriend, Yovonka Bryant, explained that Eugene was very religious.

“He would never leave without it, his Bible, and his Quran was always by his side,” Bryant said. Eugene would place the Bible on top of the Quran on the passenger seat of his car, she said.

“He was just figuring out the Quran. He just really picked up the Quran and was trying to actually get into it as he was into the Bible.”

This only proves what Starvinghead has long thought: Religion is too blame for everything.
Let’s look at the facts. People behaving like lunatics? Check. Folks being completely irrational? Check. Losing one’s sense of self within a large  group? Uh huh. And finally, the religious and the zombies are both in dire need of one thing: Brains.
So if you want to go zombie hunting, by all means do. But you don’t need to run around graveyards or backwoods to seek out the damned. Just march into any temple, church or mosque and fire away.
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May 31 2012
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Truth

Miami Man Eats Face Of Another Man And We Just Figured Out How To Scare The Terrorists

A Miami man was fatally shot after police found him naked and gnawing on another naked man’s face. Rudy Eugene, 31, was shot and killed by Miami police after he refused to stop chewing on the face and neck of Ronald Poppo, a 65-year old homeless man, on the off-ramp of a bridge in downtown Miami.

Perhaps Eugene was tired of the same old drive-thru cuisine and wanted something different. You know, human: the other white meat.

Somebody’s Favorite Film Is Face/Off

Police now are investigating whether Eugene was under the influence of a new form of LSD or possibly bath salts that are used for narcotic purposes.

“We’ve had at least two incidents in the past couple of months with people claiming they took a new form of LSD and complained of feeling a burning sensation that forced them to take their clothes off and led them to become very violent,” said Armando Aguilar, president of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police.

Poppo is in critical condition at a Miami hospital.

“His mouth, his nose, and his ears were ripped off,” Aguilar said regarding the physical state of Poppo. “What was left was the area around the goatee.”

So is it the LSD? Or maybe a zombie revolution? Perhaps it was a case of vagabond plastic surgery. One thing’s for sure, human obviously tastes great!

Whatever the cause, Starvinghead believes we just figured out a way to take care of the escalating homeless population. Hell, for that matter let’s bring our troops home and send a bunch of death row inmates hopped up on LSD and bath salts into the Middle East. Those barbarians might think they are evil by cutting off the heads of Americans, but what will they do when they see our American junkies eating the decapitated heads as if they were delicious giant Swedish meatballs? Kind of makes the whole cutting off heads routine lose some of its potency.

Listen up Obama. We have spent far too much money and have lost far too many American lives overseas. Creating drug fueled zombies to eat our enemies would save money and lives so lets not waste anytime and get to work drugging our nation’s convicts. With the prisons overflowing, what better way to trim the fat? Yesterday’s psycho killer is tomorrow’s American hero.

Who knew the War on Drugs would create our next super soldier? It’s a win-win situation anyway you cut it.

And if we snooze on this great opportunity to use drugs and prisoners for good then we are only left with one positive from this whole face-eating debacle:

Yummy!

A new exciting season of Extreme Makeover.

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May 26 2012
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Grand Prize: 20 Years at Bastoy Prison!!!

If you’re going to kill your family or shoot a political figure or even sell some horse, do yourself a favor and do it in Norway. There’s a good chance you’ll be sentenced to a prison that is the equivalent of a Hollywood actor’s private island.  You see in Norway, violent offenders, dealers and motherfuckers are not sent to a maximum security prison. Instead, they are exiled to Bastoy Prison, a 1-square mile island surrounded by tress and ocean that would make whomever takes postcard photos to jizz in their pants.

Bastoy Prison

Bastoy Prison: Come For The Crime, Stay For The Freedom

At Bastoy, inmates are not locked up in a world of other dangerous criminals. Here, the imprisoned are housed in individual cabins with full kitchens so they can prepare their own meals on a $125 stipend given to them every month. They can sunbathe, bring in their own TV’s, wear whatever they chose and basically live like kings. Sure, they have to work everyday, but when you have a bevy of options for dinner every night, instead of prison slop, who cares?

Even the guards don’t wear uniforms because, frankly, how could they not be envious of this bachelor lifestyle the prisoners enjoy. That guy who killed those children at the ice cream shop? He’s serving twenty years of hard time getting a daily massage and doing yoga.

“If we have created a holiday camp for criminals here, so what?” asked Arne Kvernvik Nilsen, the prison’s governor and a former minister and psychologist according to CNN. “We should reduce the risk of reoffending, because if we don’t, what’s the point of punishment, except for leaning toward the primitive side of humanity?”

Starvinghead is all for the reduction of repeat offenders. In America, the three-year rate for reoffending after release from prison is 43%. In Norway? 20%.

Prison Chef’s Special: Tuesday’s Only Or By Request

Sure, the volume is vastly different in comparing the two, but perhaps Norway is just a glass half-full country. Nilson explained that when inmates arrive they think “I am shit. I don’t care. I am nothing” adding that Bastoy Prison offers them self-esteem “to discover ‘I’m not such a bad guy.’”

Who knew the mass murders, terrorist and rapists were really little angels underneath all that horrific output? “Hans, we know you hacked up your boss’s family and lit those old ladies on fire in the park, but we really want you to feel good about yourself.” What the fuck? Perhaps it’s time for a mass exportation to Norway so America can be unleashed. Not just our criminal elements though, surely the unemployed and employed alike could use a nice island vacation. Commit a crime and get rewarded with a trip they often give out as a prize on Wheel of Fortune.

But maybe, just maybe, the reason for the lack of draconian prison life is due to the fact that it’s Norway and well, there’s a lot of white people up that way. Just saying.

Serving 10 Years Hard Time

Now if an inmate actually wants to escape, they have a 1.5 mile swim to the mainland. But why would anyone want to leave? There’s a waiting list to get in Bastoy that is more competitive than a North Shore private school. It’s surprising that Norway’s reoffender rate is so low considering how light the punishment is. If an inmate does escape, they run the risk of being sent to a higher security prison if caught, which in Norway means a not guilty verdict.

But before you think Bastoy is heavy on earth, remember it’s still prison.

“For all the amenities offered,” said Douglas, who didn’t want to give his last name, “the ass rape is still a bitch. Although they are liberal with the lube and the guards leave a chocolate on your pillow afterwards.”

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