Richard Wright’s Kindness Lands Him In Canadian Looney Bin

A Canadian man got a taste of the current human condition after handing out money on the streets of Halifax to complete strangers. Richard Wright gave out 50 and 100 bills of Canadian currency to strangers, asking the receivers of his kind gesture to “thank God” according to Yahoo News.

This strange act did not go unnoticed.  After word spread , mounted police and a Mental Health Mobile Crisis Team pulled Wright over  to find out who in their right mind would hand out cold hard Canadian cash for nothing in these dire times the Huffington Post reports.

While police initially let Wright go, he was stopped again after someone called authorities asking them to conduct a wellness check on the man. Obviously, someone performing such a strange act of random kindness caused an uproar among the civilized who questioned the man’s mental state.

This time Wright was admitted into Health P.E.I., the publicly funded health hospital of Prince Edward Island in Charlottetown, Nova Scotia after police felt he needed “further assistance by a medical health person” according to Yahoo.

Wright’s daughter, Chelsea, has called attention to her father’s detainment in the hospital on Facebook, saying the facility and the police treated Wright unfairly. Wright has not been allowed to leave the hospital despite insisting he has no mental illness.

“He had some extra money so he decided to share it around with some homeless and needy people in Halifax and Dartmouth. He did nothing illegal, he was simply helping some people out!” Chelsey wrote on her page according to the New York Daily News.

The hospital cannot release much information regarding the condition and treatment of Wright although they did note that “they are working around the clock to restore Mr. Wright’s cognitive abilities back to the normal levels of the rest of us greedy, selfish fucks.”

 

 

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Who Wouldn’t Want To Look Like Kim Jong-un?

If you have any sense of style and you happen to live in North Korea, well, you’re fucked.  The world’s most militarized society has another reason to prove that Hell does indeed exist on earth with the news that all male university students in the country are required to get the same haircut as their fearless leader, Kim Jong-un according to the BBC.

The article points out that state-approved haircuts are nothing new in the country with women able to choose from 18 styles while men get 10 to pick from.

“Our leader’s haircut is very particular, if you will. It doesn’t always go with everyone since everyone has different face and head shapes,” a source was quoted as saying to the Korea Times.

While it doesn’t go with every North Korean’s head shape, it’s his citizens brains that Kim Jong-un is most concerned with because, you know, he’s a dictator and all. By ordering all male university students to adopt the same haircut that would get a GED dropout fired from Super Cuts, Jong-un continues to find ways to make himself feel like he’s something more than a diminutive Korean guy with a major inferiority complex.

The haircut leaves a lot to be desired. It’s not like  Jennifer Aniston’s “Rachel” or James Deans iconic brushed back style that millions imitated.Kim Jong-un’s style is the equivalent of what a guy who falls asleep early at a frat party wakes up to minus the drawn on mustache, which Jong-un couldn’t grow no matter how hard he threatened his facial hair follicles with nuclear war.

Take one look at the dictator’s hairstyle and it’s easy to understand why he would enforce a rule requiring males in the country to have the same haircut as he does: Nobody wants to look like an idiot all by themselves.

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Berlin Supermarket finds Banana Boxes Stuffed with Blow

A “logistical error” on the part of drug smugglers is why police in Berlin believe boxes of bananas filled with cocaine arrived at five supermarkets in the German capital.

Unknown-1According to Yahoo, staff at an Aldi supermarket discovered the boxes with a total of 140kg of the white stuff before they went on sale to the public.

Seven of the 1,134 boxes shipped from Colombia to Hamburg  and delivered to Berlin contained cocaine.

Police seized the boxes of blow and will store it away before destroying it. They are hopeful that they did not miss any more cocaine in the 1,134 boxes of bananas shipped from Colombia.

“At the end of the day, it’s beyond one’s control,” said senior police officer Olaf Schremm regarding seizing all the drugs.

In other Berlin news: Victor Von Steuben, a veteran Berlin detective with 22 years on the force, just retired and bought a small island off the coast of Panama.

Customers of Heinrich’s Grocery, who lined up hours before the store opened to purchase bananas, became violent when told none would be available on Tuesday. One unnamed man ripped apart watermelons and pineapples searching for the drug while screaming at the overhead music in the grocery store to stop eating his soul. A group of young people destroyed the beverage aisle, leaving empty cans and liters of Coca-Cola thrashed around the store. On a bright note, sales of sugar are through the roof according to store owner, Hans Heinrich.

“It’s bananas!” He said.

In other news from around the globe, a small fruit stand in Glendale, Kentucky is selling bananas for $35,000 a pound.

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Record Low Fire Deaths in Chicago? Blame Those Pussy Arsonists

2013 has turned out to be quite the dismal year for arsonists. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that 2013 ended with a record-low in fire deaths. Due to smoke detectors and other fire safety improvements, only 16 people lost their lives to fires last year.

images“We’ve had years where we lost multiple people in just a few fires. We were fortunate not to have any multiple fire deaths toward the end of the year,” Chicago Fire Department spokesman Larry Langford said.

So Starvinghead has to ask, where the hell did all the arsonists go? We know you’re out there, probably scheming to set some apartment building ablaze because some girl dumped you or you still can’t get over the fact that Derrick Rose is out for yet another season. We know you arsonists want to take your anger out on the world and delight in how you created a flesh burning inferno for all to see. So where the hell are you?

Looks like the folks who play with matches and kerosene are getting a bit soft. Well, shake off a bad 2013 and get your Zippo’s filled up with lighter fluid. Let’s make 2014 a year to remember! And if these arsonists really have a heart, they should get to work now as we all could use a little heat during this frigid cold snap that is crushing  the city.

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Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus Elephant Victim of Drive-By

Millions across the nation are sighing in relief now that Carol, an elephant with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus who took a bullet in an apparent drive-by shooting on Tuesday in Tupelo, Mississippi, will make a full recovery.

Carol The Elephant: Victim?

Carol The Elephant: Victim?

According to USA Today, the elephant, one of several performing with the traveling circus, was in an enclosure outside the BancorpSouth Arena when it was hit by a bullet in the shoulder, said the arena’s marketing director, Kevan Kirkpatrick.

“We have had the circus once a year since 1995,” Kirkpatrick said. “Absolutely this is the first elephant shooting we had.”

Starvinghead  hopped a train down to Tupelo to investigate the shooting. We discovered that while this was the first elephant shooting of its kind, it was not entirely a surprise.

Carol the elephant has many enemies all over the country. You see, Carol is more than just a traveling pachyderm, making children smile and circus-goers ooh and ahh in delight. She is more than a 39-year old Asian elephant on the endangered species list.

Carol is a junkie.

“I been looking forward to that bitch coming back to Tupelo all year,” said Dwayne Hightower, a drug dealer who runs the Tupelo cocaine market. “Last two times the circus came to town, this elephant charged down the street towards my sellers on the corner and took all my product.”

Carol's Last Performance. Notice the paranoid look in the eyes and overall lack of focus.

Carol’s Last Performance. Notice the paranoid look in the eyes and overall lack of focus.

Starvinghead was aghast to learn that Carol the elephant has a hardcore coke habit.

“I’ve talked to dealers in other towns and they all get their shit ripped off when the circus is around,” says Hightower. “I decided enough was enough. I did it. I shot the elephant. I had to show my people that I take care of shit. If I let Carol come and snort all my coke, what does that say about me as a drug kingpin?”

Numerous reports are surfacing that Carol has a $1,000 a day habit.

“It’s that trunk,” says Hightower. “You can pack a lot of powder up in that nose.”

Highwater may have more to worry about than admitting he shot Carol.

A representative for the Ethical Treatment of Elephants issued a warning to Highwater and anyone else considering harming the  mammals.

“For those who tried to harm Carol and for those around the world who murder these precious creatures, let it be known that revenge will be handed out. Do not be surprised if the next time an elephant is in your room, it’s not just an obvious truth being ignored. Much like the Holocaust, we will never forget. And also, because these are elephants, you know, they have really great memories. You have been warned.”

As for Carol, she was up and eating carrots 20 minutes after the attempt on her life. But the hardest act for Carol is only beginning. Ringing Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus are suspending Carol’s circus duty so she can enter rehab immediately.

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Chicago Sets Record Against Violent Weekends

It seems with each passing Sunday that news of gunshots and dead bodies piling up in the streets has become as common as the Bears’ offensive line melting down in the Windy City.

This past October marked Chicago’s 435th homicide. The short-staffed police department is having a hell of a time solving the majority of murders that occur. In 2011, the clearance rate for murders was only 30 percent and that was from a grand total of 433 homicides. The final months of 2012 are sure to raise the bar when it comes to dead bodies on the streets of Chicago.

In a last-ditch attempt to avoid the national media’s glare on the city’s unbelievable murder rate, Mayor Emanuel and Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy have decided to unload a new strategy for handling the sharp rise in homicides.

The Dynamic DuoOn Monday mornings as approximately 2.7 million Chicago residents reach for their daily newspapers or log on local news sites, they will be greeted with a different approach in announcing the city’s murders over the previous weekend. No longer will we read headlines like “7 dead, 28 injured over the weekend “or “Chicago Murder Rate Rises with Bloodbath in the Streets Over the Long Holiday Weekend.”

Now when we look to find out how many bodies wound up In the city morgue on the nation’s two days of rest, we will see a more positive take on the violence that is claiming the city’s citizens:

2,707,112 Survive The Weekend! Chicagoans Alive in Large Numbers Despite Continuing Bloodshed!

The Sun-Times and the Chicago Tribune have agreed to handle the weekend murder rate in this fashion as they are still reporting the news and technically not lying.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Sandra Oxford, 44, of Wicker Park. “I got up this weekend, went grocery shopping, got an oil change and saw a movie. Pretty normal stuff, but in this city I feel proud of myself for being a survivor.”

“It’s a positive spin,” said Brendan Cunningham, 30, of Rogers Park. “I was afraid to go out late on the weekends with all the murders going on. But now that I see that so many folks are making it through to Monday, I feel much safer.”

Other headlines recently printed in the city’s two biggest newspapers include:

If So Many Chicagoans Are Being Killed, Then How Do You Explain The Traffic Jams? 

Whites Come Out All Right After Bloody Weekend on the City’s South Side

Hey Chicago! If You’re Reading This You’re Still Alive! Congrats on Behalf of Mayor Rahm Emanuel

Live Strong ChicagoThe mayor is encouraging Chicagoans to wear a blue wristband similar to the Live Strong Foundation’s yellow wristband as a way of announcing to the world that they are survivors thriving in the nation’s most dangerous city.

And as for news coverage of the victims from each weekend’s shootings, well, let’s be honest, you probably don’t care anyway.

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Holy Shit Batman! James Holmes Is A Punk Bitch

By now we all know of the deranged fuck, aka James Holmes, who walked into a screening of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado with a smoke bomb and firearms, killing 12 people and injuring 38 according to the latest press releases.

James Holmes: Starvinghead’s Punk Bitch Of The Year

Holmes, 24, was taken into custody by police outside the movie theater shortly after the havoc. He informed police that his apartment is laden with explosives. Police are currently trying to figure out exactly what kind of explosive devices Holmes has set up in his apartment.

Hollywood, along withe rest of the world, is in a state of shock as the eagerly anticipated movie of the year has been overshadowed by this senseless violence.

President Obama and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney have issued statements regarding this sad and violent situation. Paris has cancelled The Dark Knight Rises premier. New York has stepped up security where the film is playing.

Twelve innocent people have lost their lives because some mentally ill douchbag could not hold his shit together. Whatever the reasons for Mr. Holmes busting into that packed theater and shooting random people, Starvinghead has one question for the gunman:

Couldn’t you have gone into the theater playing the new Tyler Perry movie?

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Boy Scouts of America Decide To Keep It In The Closet, But In The Woods Anything Still Goes

Today the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its policy denying membership to gay people.

Boy Scouts Of America Refuse To Admit Gays As Well As Refusing To Admit Being Gay

“The vast majority of the parents of youth we serve value their right to address issues of same-sex orientation within their family, with spiritual advisers, and at the appropriate time and in the right setting,” said Bob Mazzuca, chief scout executive of Boy Scouts of America.

“While a majority of our membership agrees with our policy, we fully understand that no single policy will accommodate the many diverse views among our membership or society,” he said.

The news is not so shocking to a plethora of former and current boy scouts who view the decision as little more than political face-saving on the part of the Boy Scouts of America.

“They can uphold whatever rules they wish,” said Bob Deney, 59, of Mundelein. “Everybody knows the truth though. It’s been going on for generations and some silly rule won’t stop the real reason hordes of young men going the Boy Scouts in the first place: To learn how tie a knot while giving fellatio to an elder who will give them an honest critique of their skills.”

Perhaps Mr. Deney has a valid point. Let’s look at the facts. Thousands of young boys across the country have their mothers drop them off to be in the care of grown men who would rather do nothing else than hang out with adolescent males. That’s kind of weird. Futhermore, these boys and their elder leaders dress in color coordinated apparel. That’s a bit strange as well. And then they all go out into the woods for “outings”. Sounds like some of these kids are being “outed” indeed.

Ok. The whole thing sounds gay as fuck. Case closed.

“It is  like assholes from politics,” said Greg Osbourne,38, of Chicago. “You can say it’s a rule, but that doesn’t stop anyone from being one.”

So don’t worry all of you super heterosexual boy scouts. The circle jerk near the big oak tree in the woods will carry on as usual. And you can still tell your mothers and wives that those scraped knees stem from some hard times in the wilderness. You surely wouldn’t be lying.

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Jews and Muslims Join Forces in the Name of Foreskin

In the long and turbulent history between Muslims and Jews, a new avenue has been discovered that brings the two religions together:

Penis.

Nothing Brings Together People Like An Old Fashioned Cock Controversy

The recent controversy over circumcision in Germany has bridged a line of communication and agreement between Jews and Muslims. The unlikely partners came to be due to a decision by a German court that could outlaw circumcision, prohibiting parents from having their kids circumcised, even for religious reasons.

“The body of the child is irreparably and permanently changed by a circumcision,” the court said. “This change contravenes the interests of the child to decide later on his religious beliefs.”

So nobody in Germany is touching cock. Let the child decide what he or she wants to believe in is the road they are going down. This is all fine and good. However, Starvinghead can’t see too many self-aware adolescents deciding that getting their tips clipped at 14 or 19 or 45 is a great idea. Perhaps this a way for Germany to outlaw  religion by treating children as independent of their environment. A classic case of encouraging becoming instead of being. Satre’s existence preceding essence indeed. Maybe Germany is on to something.

Although the last time Germany was on to something it didn’t turn out so hot for a lot of folks.

The court deemed circumcision an act of “bodily harm” to children, according to German media reports. And who knows better about bodily harm than the Germans?

Jews and Muslims agreeing on something? There is certainly a frigid draft drifting through Hell tonight. That end of the world talk just got a shot of validity.

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Rodney King Dead At 47, Billy Clubs Across The Country Mourn

Rodney King is dead at 47. The video images of King getting beat by Los Angeles police officers in 1991 is still etched into the collective psyche of the nation.The videotaped beating had the country glued to their televisions as an onslaught of batons paraded down on King. When the officers involved in the beating were found not guilty, riots erupted in Los Angeles bringing racial tensions to a boil.

Rodney King: Off To The Big House In The Sky

King was found by officers at the bottom of his swimming pool around 5:25 a.m. this morning. There was no evidence of foul play.

“Rodney King was a symbol of civil rights and he represented the anti-police brutality and anti-racial profiling movement of our time,” the Rev. Al Sharpton said in a statement reported on CNN. “It was his beating that made America focus on the presence of profiling and police misconduct.”

However, police did confiscate marijuana plants on the property. When asked if the plants where King’s, the 47-year old dead man did not respond. This prompted police to insist that King was resisting arrest and they proceeded to beat him from head to toe while demanding that the dead body “stop resisting.”

We will miss you Rodney. In honor of King’s passing, stores throughout the country are selling Rodney King pinatas stuffed with chicken and waffles as well as the business cards for local ACLU offices.

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