Millions across the nation are sighing in relief now that Carol, an elephant with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus who took a bullet in an apparent drive-by shooting on Tuesday in Tupelo, Mississippi, will make a full recovery.
According to USA Today, the elephant, one of several performing with the traveling circus, was in an enclosure outside the BancorpSouth Arena when it was hit by a bullet in the shoulder, said the arena’s marketing director, Kevan Kirkpatrick.
“We have had the circus once a year since 1995,” Kirkpatrick said. “Absolutely this is the first elephant shooting we had.”
Starvinghead hopped a train down to Tupelo to investigate the shooting. We discovered that while this was the first elephant shooting of its kind, it was not entirely a surprise.
Carol the elephant has many enemies all over the country. You see, Carol is more than just a traveling pachyderm, making children smile and circus-goers ooh and ahh in delight. She is more than a 39-year old Asian elephant on the endangered species list.
Carol is a junkie.
“I been looking forward to that bitch coming back to Tupelo all year,” said Dwayne Hightower, a drug dealer who runs the Tupelo cocaine market. “Last two times the circus came to town, this elephant charged down the street towards my sellers on the corner and took all my product.”
Starvinghead was aghast to learn that Carol the elephant has a hardcore coke habit.
“I’ve talked to dealers in other towns and they all get their shit ripped off when the circus is around,” says Hightower. “I decided enough was enough. I did it. I shot the elephant. I had to show my people that I take care of shit. If I let Carol come and snort all my coke, what does that say about me as a drug kingpin?”
Numerous reports are surfacing that Carol has a $1,000 a day habit.
“It’s that trunk,” says Hightower. “You can pack a lot of powder up in that nose.”
Highwater may have more to worry about than admitting he shot Carol.
A representative for the Ethical Treatment of Elephants issued a warning to Highwater and anyone else considering harming the mammals.
“For those who tried to harm Carol and for those around the world who murder these precious creatures, let it be known that revenge will be handed out. Do not be surprised if the next time an elephant is in your room, it’s not just an obvious truth being ignored. Much like the Holocaust, we will never forget. And also, because these are elephants, you know, they have really great memories. You have been warned.”
As for Carol, she was up and eating carrots 20 minutes after the attempt on her life. But the hardest act for Carol is only beginning. Ringing Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus are suspending Carol’s circus duty so she can enter rehab immediately.