Zombies and cannibals, those fascinating fixtures of horror movies, are now amongst us America! No longer do we need to watch repeats of the Walking Dead, 28 Days Later and Silence of the Lambs to fill our imaginations with brain and flesh-eating killers. Since Starvinghead’s last post on the infamous Miami zombie/cannibalism attack, more have sprout up across the country.
In Texas, a mother, Otty Sanchez, is accused of killing her newborn, eating the juicy part of the kid’s brains and biting off three of the infants toes. In Maryland, a college student told police he killed a man then ate his heart and brains.
Now the apparently contagious cannibalistic eating habits taking the country by storm have spread to New Jersey, long believed to be a hub of zombie activity (this is the site of the Jersey Shore TV series after all and a state where brain cells are as rare as fair skin folks).
Wayne Carter Really Fell To Pieces
Wayne Carter, 43, of Hackensack, New Jersey barricaded himself in his home and threatened to harm himself. When police arrived and kicked open the door, Carter proceeded to stab himself with a knife in the abdomen, neck and legs. Police pepper sprayed Carter, but it only enraged the man. Carter threw chunks of his intestines at police before finally being subdued. He now is in critical condition at an area hospital where he can only mutter the words “brains” in between long bouts of unconsciousness.
So what does all this mean? Are we really in the midst of a zombie apocalypse?
“There is no doubt that something fowl is happening throughout the country,” said Dr. Kevin Monroe of the University of Chicago. “The incidents keep piling up and there is only one positive that we can see happening from this trend.”
Starvinghead took the words right out of Dr. Monroe’s mouth before he oculd say them.
Yes, that time honored tradition of human civilization now has a great opportunity to make a comeback. Do you long for the days when you could rest in the shade while slaves worked themselves to death? Those glory days could be making a comeback!
Face-Eating Rudy Eugene Was Heavily Into Religion
All we need to do is wire the jaws of these cannibals and zombies shut and we will have ourselves a brand new work force ready to take on the jobs that most American refuse to do despite the struggling economy.
“I was going to have to work as a busboy,” said Felix Strogue of New York City. “Thanks to my wife becoming a zombie, she works 24 hours a days and I sit back and collect the check. Sure, my wife did eat our two kids, but now my schedule has opened up big time.”
At first, the zombie attacks were blamed on folks using intoxicating bath salts. However, Rudy Eugene, the Miami face-eater shot dead by police, may not have been on drugs. His girlfriend, Yovonka Bryant, explained that Eugene was very religious.
“He would never leave without it, his Bible, and his Quran was always by his side,” Bryant said. Eugene would place the Bible on top of the Quran on the passenger seat of his car, she said.
“He was just figuring out the Quran. He just really picked up the Quran and was trying to actually get into it as he was into the Bible.”
This only proves what Starvinghead has long thought: Religion is too blame for everything.
Let’s look at the facts. People behaving like lunatics? Check. Folks being completely irrational? Check. Losing one’s sense of self within a large group? Uh huh. And finally, the religious and the zombies are both in dire need of one thing: Brains.
So if you want to go zombie hunting, by all means do. But you don’t need to run around graveyards or backwoods to seek out the damned. Just march into any temple, church or mosque and fire away.