Chicago Sets Record Against Violent Weekends

It seems with each passing Sunday that news of gunshots and dead bodies piling up in the streets has become as common as the Bears’ offensive line melting down in the Windy City.

This past October marked Chicago’s 435th homicide. The short-staffed police department is having a hell of a time solving the majority of murders that occur. In 2011, the clearance rate for murders was only 30 percent and that was from a grand total of 433 homicides. The final months of 2012 are sure to raise the bar when it comes to dead bodies on the streets of Chicago.

In a last-ditch attempt to avoid the national media’s glare on the city’s unbelievable murder rate, Mayor Emanuel and Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy have decided to unload a new strategy for handling the sharp rise in homicides.

The Dynamic DuoOn Monday mornings as approximately 2.7 million Chicago residents reach for their daily newspapers or log on local news sites, they will be greeted with a different approach in announcing the city’s murders over the previous weekend. No longer will we read headlines like “7 dead, 28 injured over the weekend “or “Chicago Murder Rate Rises with Bloodbath in the Streets Over the Long Holiday Weekend.”

Now when we look to find out how many bodies wound up In the city morgue on the nation’s two days of rest, we will see a more positive take on the violence that is claiming the city’s citizens:

2,707,112 Survive The Weekend! Chicagoans Alive in Large Numbers Despite Continuing Bloodshed!

The Sun-Times and the Chicago Tribune have agreed to handle the weekend murder rate in this fashion as they are still reporting the news and technically not lying.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Sandra Oxford, 44, of Wicker Park. “I got up this weekend, went grocery shopping, got an oil change and saw a movie. Pretty normal stuff, but in this city I feel proud of myself for being a survivor.”

“It’s a positive spin,” said Brendan Cunningham, 30, of Rogers Park. “I was afraid to go out late on the weekends with all the murders going on. But now that I see that so many folks are making it through to Monday, I feel much safer.”

Other headlines recently printed in the city’s two biggest newspapers include:

If So Many Chicagoans Are Being Killed, Then How Do You Explain The Traffic Jams? 

Whites Come Out All Right After Bloody Weekend on the City’s South Side

Hey Chicago! If You’re Reading This You’re Still Alive! Congrats on Behalf of Mayor Rahm Emanuel

Live Strong ChicagoThe mayor is encouraging Chicagoans to wear a blue wristband similar to the Live Strong Foundation’s yellow wristband as a way of announcing to the world that they are survivors thriving in the nation’s most dangerous city.

And as for news coverage of the victims from each weekend’s shootings, well, let’s be honest, you probably don’t care anyway.

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